The Toaster
by The Sand Assassin
Summary: All James Potter wants is to sit and drink a cup of coffee in peace. And absolutely not eat any toast! But his toaster keeps buggering. "I toast, therefore I am!" One-shot


**Disclaimer: Don't own a thing.**

**An Idea I got when I watched Red Dwarf yesterday. In episode 4 season 1 Lister argues with his toaster. And I thought it was hilarious. This story is dedicated to the show. **

**Another animated object story. Can either be read alone, or as sequel to **_**The Umbrella's Umbrella**_**. Your choice. Didn't really think about it before someone pointed it out. **

**Enjoy.**

_**The Toaster**_

It was a lovely morning. The birds were singing, the sky was blue. And the sun shone brightly, annoying every late sleeper in the state. James Potter was one of them. He'd had a late night, and a stressful week on the job. But did he get any rest? Nope, nada. Lily, his wife, was a morning person. And she always wanted James to wake up early and do stuff. Like finally fix the fence she had been nagging about the last couple of weeks.

James groaned, rolled around on his stomach, rubbed his face and decided to wake up. No way would he be able to sleep as long as Lily was running around the house. He stood up and went to the bathroom. He didn't come back out before thirty minutes later. He was dressed, showered, shaved, and ready for breakfast.

James walked into the kitchen. He poured himself a cup of coffee, picked up a doughnut and sat down at the table. He took a sip of the coffee and sighed contently. He never really managed to wake up before after his first cup of coffee in the morning. He loved coffee, if he could have he'd married it. Lily on the other hand, could barely stand the smell. No, she was more of a tea person. Which was sort of ironic, considering he'd never tasted coffee before he met Lily. At Hogwarts they didn't serve coffee to the students. And his parents were tea-people as well.

James took a bite of his doughnut, started to chew and picked up the morning paper. He looked at the head titles with a grim expression. There had been another attack from the death eaters. This time on a muggle hospital. A small picture showed an exploding building from a couple of streets away. It explosion again and again. And terrified muggles fell backwards as well when the little building on the picture exploded. One could see pain and terror appear on the muggle's faces again and again. One second peaceful, the other in panic.

James looked at the picture with a grim and worried expression, and started to read the article.

"Would you like some toast?"

James jumped, and managed to spill some hot-burning coffee on his hand. He swore heatedly and started to clean it up with a paper tissue.

"Some nice hot crisp brown buttered toast?" The voice said.

This time James didn't jump. He looked around, trying to find the source of the voice. He was alone in the yellow coloured kitchen, but that didn't mean much. One could hid anywhere as a wizard. He frowned slightly, but decided he must have imagined it and looked down at his paper again. He took a bite of his doughnut.

"Don't ignore me! I know you can hear me James Potter!"

James jumped again. He dropped the cup he was holding, and spilled the entire content on the floor.

"Oh, bullocks," he muttered. He took his wand out from his pocket and waved it in a circle while muttering a spell. The spilled coffee disappeared, and he sighed in relief, happy that Lily didn't walk in and saw it. She'd throw a fit.

"Served you right," a voice muttered behind him.

James turned quickly around and stared at… no one. There was no one there. There only stood a toaster and some of Lily's girl's magazine on the kitchen counter. He frowned slightly. Where was the voice coming from?

"Would you like some toast?" The voice asked again. James blinked, and something clicked inside his head. It was the toaster! The voice came from the bloody toaster. It had been a gift from Sirius on his birthday. He'd probably think that it would be a laugh. Well, it had been a laugh.

"No thanks," he said, chuckling slightly for his stupidity. How in Merlin's beard could he have forgotten about the toaster?

"You sure you don't want any toast?"

"Yes, I'm absolutely sure," James answered with a wry smile. He turned around and started to read the newspaper again. He took another bite of the doughnut.

"What about a muffin?"

James sighed loudly. He swore that the toaster was worse than Lily at times.

"No thanks," he answered, while continuing to chew.

"You know," the toaster began, "the last time you had toast? 18 days ago. Tuesday 13. 11.36. You ate two rounds."

James started to rub his face.

"That's nice." By Merlin. That toaster was annoying! Sirius was so going to get that shiny toaster back. Preferably in the head.

"So, you don't want any toast then?"

James groaned. "No! I'm busy." He hid his nose in the paper. 'Just ignore it, just ignore it. If I don't say anything, it'll go away.' A thought that didn't really make much sense, considering a toaster does not have any feet, so it can't really go anywhere.

"Oh, you are not busy eating toast, are you?" The toaster said accusingly.

James had had enough. He turned around and growled angrily. "For Merlin's sake. I DON'T WANT ANY TOAST!"

Everything went silent for a couple of seconds, while James glared at the toaster. Suddenly the silent was breached by a loud wailing sound. James closed his eyes.

A pair of feet moved upstairs towards the sound. A door was opened and closed. A couple of seconds later the baby's cry stopped.

James shoved his hand through his hair and sighed. He had awakened his son, Harry. He was only a couple of months old. And he needed his rest.

He took up his cup and went to the coffee machine. He refilled it, and took a much earned sip. It was a good cup of coffee. Lily knew how he liked it, and for that he loved his wife a little bit more.

James went back to the table with the cup and sat down. He picked up the paper again and started to read.

"I mean," the toaster started, and James let out a low groan. Just started to hope that it would leave him alone. "What's the point of having a magical talking toaster if you don't even like toast?"

James sighed and threw a hand through his hair. "I do like toast."

"This is my job!" The toaster bellowed slightly. "This is just cruel."

"Look…"

"Just cruel!"

"I'm busy!"

James shook his head. That toaster was worse than Lily on her monthly. He looked warily at the toaster. Expecting it to yell at him again, but it stayed quiet. James looked back down at the paper. Praying that it would stay quiet and not bother him again.

"I mean," the toaster started again. "The purpose with my existence is to serve you with hot buttered scrummy toast. If you don't want any then my existence is meaningless."

James groaned again. Merlin. He was dealing with a suicidal toaster all of a sudden. Why did he even bother getting up this morning?

"I toast, therefore I am!" The toaster bellowed.

James rubbed his face furiously. "Merlin… help me," he whispered with a thin voice.

A low chuckle came from the door and James looked up. His eyes widened slightly, before lowering into a dangerous expression.

A man stood by the door. He had a small smirk on his lips and chuckled. Sirius Black was a tall, well-build, darkly handsome man with fair skin, long, lustrous black hair, striking grey eyes, and an air of "casual elegance." And James Potter's best friend. But right now, all he wanted to do was to hit the living shit out of the smirking idiot.

"I'm not Merlin, my dare James, but close enough." The smirk on the other man's lip widened. James only growled in reply. Seriously pissed at him for ever laying eyes on the blasted toaster in the first place.

Sirius chose to ignore his friend's expression, and started to walk into the door with a smug expression.

"I would very much like some toast," he said, giving the toaster a charming smile. The toaster made a happy beep, and soon the room was filled with the smell of warmed up bread. Sirius turned around and looked at James. He took his hands up in air.

"Tada! Mission accomplished." He beamed slightly at his best friend. Happy to be of service. James only snored in reply.

"Congrats, Padfoot."

Sirius grinned slightly from the used his nickname, took down his arms, and sat down gracefully on a chair by the table.

"Now, where is my reward kiss?" He stuck his lips out and moved slightly towards him. James snored, picked up the newspaper, rolled it up, and hit him in the head with it.

"There you got your reward, mate."

Sirius pouted slightly and moved backwards again. "That's the last time I'm gonna help you."

James stuck his tongue out to him in reply. Sirius smiled goofily back, and they both started to bark with laugh. They always joked around like that.

A small 'ding' heard behind them, telling them that the toast was ready. Sirius, still chuckling, stood up and started to walk towards the toaster. He hit the eject button.

Suddenly a couple of dozen toasted bread-slices jumped out of the toaster, some of them hitting Sirius. He quickly took a couple of step backwards. The black haired man widened his eyes.

James looked at them with a shocked expression. He jumped up. "Oh, No No No No No!" He shook his head slightly, hoping what he was seeing wasn't really happening. How was he going to explain this to Lily?

The toaster continued ejecting toasted bread-slices.

"Sirius, do something," James whined, to upset about the floor, that was quickly getting filled with toasted bread, to think of something. He took his hands to his hair and started to pull at the hair.

"What am I going to do?!" Sirius answered in confusion and shock.

"Pull the bloody plug out!"

Sirius blinked with his eyes, clearly confused. He turned around to look at James. "What's a plug?"

James sighed in annoyance and pushes Sirius away from the kitchen counter. To be honest, James hadn't know what it was before Lily explained it to him. She had refused to live in a house without electricity. But he didn't really see the point with it when they magic.

He searched the toaster for the plug. He got hit with toasts a couple of times, but ignored it. He couldn't find a plug. He bit his lips in confusion. Then something clicked. It was a magical toaster! Of course it didn't have a bloody plug, that was also the reason it could eject so many toasts.

James took a couple of step backwards, walking right into Sirius, who groaned. But he didn't pay attention to him. He only stared with big eyes at the toaster. What in Merlin's beard were they going to do?!

Suddenly Sirius was in front of him again. He pointed his wand at the toaster and yelled a spell. A couple of seconds later the toaster exploded, leaving a black mark on the kitchen counter where it once stood.

James gasped slightly, than hit Sirius hard in the back of his head. "You idiot!"

Sirius looked confused at his friend and took a hand up to his head. It hurt a little.

"What? I stopped it, didn't I?" He looked slightly hurt, not understanding James' reaction.

James just fumed angrily. "Lily's gonna blame the entire thing on me! Especially the black burning marks on the counter." He looked at it and felt his stomach churn in fright of what his wife might do.

Sirius started to bellow with laughter.

James fumed angrily, picked up a piece of toast, and threw it at him. "It's not funny!"

Sirius ducked, picked up another piece and threw it at James. "Yes it is." He grinned slightly. James glared in respond. Not bothering to move, he got it in the chest by the toast. He picked up a new one and threw it at Sirius. This was the beginning of a ten minutes toast-fight, only ending when one of the toasts went through the window, smashing it somehow.

The boys widened their eyes and looked at each other with big worried eyes. They simultaneously turned around and started to run for the door. Wanting to get as far as way from the broken window when Lily found it. Then there would be hell to pay.

_**The end**_


End file.
